The Realization.

This trip has been hard. I cannot tell a lie. My heart never quite came around. I’m not in love with this place. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed my time here, and that’s not to say I haven’t contemplated coming back. But, especially if I was to consider coming back, I need to figure out what I actually think about this place. Cause its not all good, and I haven’t been sure why, until now. I was given a couple hours of peace this afternoon in the house, so I pulled out my journals, daily Bible reflections, made charts, ven-diagrams, pros and cons lists, lists of what I’ve done, what I wished I did, who impacted me, who hurt me, etc.

And boom. The realization.

A conversation I had early on in the trip I think gives a helpful illustration as to what I’m talking about. The question came up as to whether or not I’m serving in a 3^rd or 1^st world country. The answer is more complex than one or the other. In the traditional sense, the ‘worlds’ referred to which side you were on during the Cold War. 1^st world= US and allies (democratic). 2^nd world= Soviet Union, China, and allies (Communist). And 3^rd world= not affiliated with either of the previously stated. Chile falls into this category. However, because so many of those countries were poor and under developed, the term has come to mean just that, with first world referring to those who are highly developed. Technically, Chile falls into the first world here. So to answer the original question, yes, I’m serving in a 1^st and 3^rd world country, and this my friends, is a paradox.

Paradoxes. (is that even a word? Brief tangent… ‘Brian, what’s the plural for a paradox?’ ‘Paradoxen. I saw a flock of PARADOXEN!’)

This world that I’ve been living in is just full of these paradoxes. And it kills me. There are goals, meetings, schedules, and people that want to talk with me, but there are no expectations, organization, motivation to be on time, and people here are remarkably poor listeners considering the value that they place on relationships. They are trying to earnestly do be organized and efficient, but their hearts are still on the Latin American time frame, where its okay to be late, it doesn’t matter if things don’t happen, and that whole stereotype. What kills me is the back and forth. I’ve done the ‘relaxed’ life style before during my travel, and I’ve been fine with it. I have mastered the hyper-sensitive schedule making and following at Whitworth while RAing. The problem is some things here are important, some aren’t, and I can’t tell the difference. I have earned the ever so affectionate nickname, ‘pesado’ (the heavy one, and no they don’t actually mean my weight, I don’t think…) in the office because I take things too seriously and am too formal when I shouldn’t be. This critical analysis probably reinforces their case.

Some other paradoxes/‘almosts’ that I’ve experienced are…

-I’ve been here for two months, which is a pretty long time, but actually, its nothing at all. Too short to really accomplish anything major.

-I’m older than the kids I work with, but not old enough to be respected like an adult (and not young enough to be ‘one of them’.

-I’m okay at Spanish, but not great at Spanish.

-I’ve got an okay relationship with God, but its not solid

All of these things are hard on me. I live by my emotions, and I experience my emotions to the fullest. The wishy-washy, back-and-forth, and ‘almosts’ aren’t how I function. I am super content that I have thought all of this out before leaving, so that way I might be able to continue to develop these ideas, and correct what’s false, before I leave.

While this might be a criticism, I don’t mean to say the culture is bad, the point is that I better understand why I don’t fit in here as well as I would like to. Not bad, just different. So don’t stop your jokes or calling me pesado :-)

There have been oodles of wonderful things! In fact, here are a few things I’ve done since my last entry.

We recreated Sofia’s birthday since I missed it. (I absolutely adore this photo because of the uncertainty in her face. I’m gonna hope its uncertainty due to the camera, and not me…)

I went with one of the kids from La Farfana up to the mountains to play in the snow. The mountains were gorgeous. Seriously an unforgettable day. Not due to the snow, or lack there of, but due to the Brazilians throwing up in the van all the way up and down the curvy 11,000ft high road. Classic. Also, fun fact. American tourist spot, the beach. Brazilians, the mountains! I didn’t hear a word of Spanish or English while I was there, just Portuguese! How bizarre. Also (number 2), it was super warm. The sun reflecting off the snow felt so good on my face. Stoked on it being 60 degrees!

Yesterday, I got to watch the kids I work with play soccer against a new team.

La Farfana had its first baptisms at the church.

And I got to be silly with my brother Daniel and other kids at the church. Look at him lovingly throwing a pickax at me!

Lastly, my parents are coming! How about that? Chile is getting ready to welcome Mike and Brenda to the south this Thursday! I’m super excited to work with them and show them around.

Tomorrow, final meetings and packing, Tuesday/Wednesday, back to Iloca, Thursday-Tuesday, parents, Wednesday, Argentina, Friday, fly home, Saturday, home (or at least stateside). I better not blink, or I might miss it all!

That’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for being a part of my processing as I prepare to finish my time here. And I reiterate to you chilenos, solamente porque no estoy de acuerdo con algunas cosas en la cultura, no significa que es mala! Tampoco que lo que yo pienso tiene que ser la verdad, me encantaria hablar contigo sobre lo que tu piensas!