Its that time of the trip

End of week two. I'm right about where I should be during a trip like this. Through the honeymoon stage and really settling in. I’m tired, cold, sick, and overwhelmed.I’ve spent this week adjusting to my ‘normal’ schedule here in Chile now that my friends from Riverside, California are gone. I imagine I’ll take some time eventually to talk about my schedule, but I’ll wait until I really have a grasp on it (For now, you can take a peak at what it looks like. I also have a separate sheet for additional notes).

Now, I want to use this more like a diary entry to talk about what the heck I’m feeling. Its funny, I’ve got 3 journals going already, 1 for my Cert. for ministry credit (entries every other day), one for Spanish credit(entries every other day), and my journal from my quiet time reflection on my daily scripture reading, but even with all of this, I don’t have a true diary place.

What’s on my mind is my own faith. I’ve done so much. I see God working around me, and I even see God working through me directly. I’mdoing so many good things here, especially with the kids. But even so, I get done with the day, and my prayers seem so empty. Last night I went to a prayer group, and I just felt like I was missing God. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve had ‘desert-like’ experiences in my relationship with God, but those are usually attributed to lack of effort and very clear personal errors.But here, while I’m still convinced it must but something along the lines of my heart not being in the right place, but I’m spending everyday in the word, doing Bible studies with other people, serving people in the church, and the list goes on! All I am doing right now is trying to pursue Him. I feel like I need to attribute where I’m at right now to the horrible habits I’ve developed from RAing. I learned how to put on the show, for whatever it maybe. I know how to put on the smile, and do pretty much anything, even if its opposite of what I might be feeling on the inside. I’m nervous now that I might be doing just that with my faith. Just going through the motions, with my actions compartmentalized from emotions. This is so heartbreaking. I want to be on fire for Christ like I’ve felt before. But now I just feel overwhelmed with projects that I’m supposed to do in his name, but don’t feel him by my side. Not to mention I don’t even feel competent enough to do what they’re asking. I will say I am confident that God uses our weaknesses to accomplish his plan, but would like to feel his presence before jumping into these calls. ‘I can do all things through him who gives me strength’. True. I have a list of all the things I need to do; now I just need to find him so that way I can do them through him.

I guess all I can do is keep looking, one day at a time...From today's quite time; Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness." Thanks for reading and more importantly, thanks for your prayers.