The Realization.

This trip has been hard. I cannot tell a lie. My heart never quite came around. I’m not in love with this place. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed my time here, and that’s not to say I haven’t contemplated coming back. But, especially if I was to consider coming back, I need to figure out what I actually think about this place. Cause its not all good, and I haven’t been sure why, until now. I was given a couple hours of peace this afternoon in the house, so I pulled out my journals, daily Bible reflections, made charts, ven-diagrams, pros and cons lists, lists of what I’ve done, what I wished I did, who impacted me, who hurt me, etc.

And boom. The realization.

A conversation I had early on in the trip I think gives a helpful illustration as to what I’m talking about. The question came up as to whether or not I’m serving in a 3^rd or 1^st world country. The answer is more complex than one or the other. In the traditional sense, the ‘worlds’ referred to which side you were on during the Cold War. 1^st world= US and allies (democratic). 2^nd world= Soviet Union, China, and allies (Communist). And 3^rd world= not affiliated with either of the previously stated. Chile falls into this category. However, because so many of those countries were poor and under developed, the term has come to mean just that, with first world referring to those who are highly developed. Technically, Chile falls into the first world here. So to answer the original question, yes, I’m serving in a 1^st and 3^rd world country, and this my friends, is a paradox.

Paradoxes. (is that even a word? Brief tangent… ‘Brian, what’s the plural for a paradox?’ ‘Paradoxen. I saw a flock of PARADOXEN!’)

This world that I’ve been living in is just full of these paradoxes. And it kills me. There are goals, meetings, schedules, and people that want to talk with me, but there are no expectations, organization, motivation to be on time, and people here are remarkably poor listeners considering the value that they place on relationships. They are trying to earnestly do be organized and efficient, but their hearts are still on the Latin American time frame, where its okay to be late, it doesn’t matter if things don’t happen, and that whole stereotype. What kills me is the back and forth. I’ve done the ‘relaxed’ life style before during my travel, and I’ve been fine with it. I have mastered the hyper-sensitive schedule making and following at Whitworth while RAing. The problem is some things here are important, some aren’t, and I can’t tell the difference. I have earned the ever so affectionate nickname, ‘pesado’ (the heavy one, and no they don’t actually mean my weight, I don’t think…) in the office because I take things too seriously and am too formal when I shouldn’t be. This critical analysis probably reinforces their case.

Some other paradoxes/‘almosts’ that I’ve experienced are…

-I’ve been here for two months, which is a pretty long time, but actually, its nothing at all. Too short to really accomplish anything major.

-I’m older than the kids I work with, but not old enough to be respected like an adult (and not young enough to be ‘one of them’.

-I’m okay at Spanish, but not great at Spanish.

-I’ve got an okay relationship with God, but its not solid

All of these things are hard on me. I live by my emotions, and I experience my emotions to the fullest. The wishy-washy, back-and-forth, and ‘almosts’ aren’t how I function. I am super content that I have thought all of this out before leaving, so that way I might be able to continue to develop these ideas, and correct what’s false, before I leave.

While this might be a criticism, I don’t mean to say the culture is bad, the point is that I better understand why I don’t fit in here as well as I would like to. Not bad, just different. So don’t stop your jokes or calling me pesado :-)

There have been oodles of wonderful things! In fact, here are a few things I’ve done since my last entry.

We recreated Sofia’s birthday since I missed it. (I absolutely adore this photo because of the uncertainty in her face. I’m gonna hope its uncertainty due to the camera, and not me…)

I went with one of the kids from La Farfana up to the mountains to play in the snow. The mountains were gorgeous. Seriously an unforgettable day. Not due to the snow, or lack there of, but due to the Brazilians throwing up in the van all the way up and down the curvy 11,000ft high road. Classic. Also, fun fact. American tourist spot, the beach. Brazilians, the mountains! I didn’t hear a word of Spanish or English while I was there, just Portuguese! How bizarre. Also (number 2), it was super warm. The sun reflecting off the snow felt so good on my face. Stoked on it being 60 degrees!

Yesterday, I got to watch the kids I work with play soccer against a new team.

La Farfana had its first baptisms at the church.

And I got to be silly with my brother Daniel and other kids at the church. Look at him lovingly throwing a pickax at me!

Lastly, my parents are coming! How about that? Chile is getting ready to welcome Mike and Brenda to the south this Thursday! I’m super excited to work with them and show them around.

Tomorrow, final meetings and packing, Tuesday/Wednesday, back to Iloca, Thursday-Tuesday, parents, Wednesday, Argentina, Friday, fly home, Saturday, home (or at least stateside). I better not blink, or I might miss it all!

That’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for being a part of my processing as I prepare to finish my time here. And I reiterate to you chilenos, solamente porque no estoy de acuerdo con algunas cosas en la cultura, no significa que es mala! Tampoco que lo que yo pienso tiene que ser la verdad, me encantaria hablar contigo sobre lo que tu piensas!

All over the place

This blog that you are about to read, is one of my favorite types to write, simply because I'm writing it on my iPhone in the back of a car. Classic. On top of it bent a fun blog to write, I have oodles to write about (or should write about, but surely won't get to) because it's been so long since my last entry. As best as I can remember without a calendar, this is what the past two weeks have looked like in the life of, well, me of course! We left the 21st with the new team from California to a Iloca. (we being the two other interns, Jeremy and Megan, church elder David, missionary Brad, and church planter extraordinaire and his daughter Doug and Nikki). 

Iloca is a little pueblo south of Santiago about 5 hours on the coast. They were hit hard by both the earthquake and the tsunamis that followed a couple years ago. The church has been built over 50 houses there since then, and we helped to finish 3 of them. On top of successful projects the new team was hilarious and we had great times laughing and playing together. Plus, Iloca is an absolutely gorgeous place filled with wonderful people. An example of their mentality: the church was there simply doing relief work, and the people asked if they could build a church for them. 

I think that priority shows where their hearts are at. Beautiful. Other cool things about Iloca: I got to help lead worship in Spanish with songs I had never sung before, 

see the most beautiful stars ever, 

go out the country side for pig bbq, 

chase around chickens, 

ride around in the back of a truck, 

go swimming in the extremely cold ocean (remember, it's winter here),

paint on scaffolding that I'm sure was super secure,

get to ride on the bus with Tío David (who is far more hilarious than I would have ever previously guessed), 

get to know my fellow interns as well as Doug and Niki better, and lots of other wonderful things. Worst part about Iloca: we finished our work early, so we left Wednesday instead of Saturday. 

This meant we got to work in a church outside of Santiago called El Monte. Our main project was to tile the sanctuary. I, being unskilled in the field, spent two days breaking apart a concrete sidewalk in order to put in a new sidewalk. 

Example of how my body felt about this, three days later I still couldn't hold a pen, spoon, or anything of the like without shaking. That's all I've got to say about that. I suppose we'll call it a good growing experience. Saturday I got to help lead the classic downtown tour for the team, but before we started, we got to see all of the other churches in Santiago, most of which I hadn't see yet or hear the history behind. 

Awesome to see the growth.  Sunday was a great day spent with my host family. With them being Peruvian, we celebrated Peru's independence day downtown with all the thousands of other Peruvians in Santiago. I ate so much food. Even a cow heart! 

But the most precious part was probably watching baby Sofia be a adorable and whatnot. 

Here's a little video of some of what was mentioned above:

Monday I took for myself and Tuesday I became an electrician and helped to wire La Farfana. Fun new skill set I now posses. Alright, finally, Wednesday. Wednesday we began the trip that we are currently returning from as a I write. The south south before you go to the super south of Chile. Eight hours from Santiago in a city called Lautaro. Part of the ministry I work with is a bible institute and masters program. 

Doug was going down to teach a class and us interns tagged along for the ride. The class was called 'theology of ministry'. Basically covering the differences between Greek and Hebrew cultures in order to understand the old and new covenants better. When we weren't in class, we kept busy. Jeremy and I did a home stay in a house that had twin boys, 3 years old. 

That was hilarious, gross, and a blessing all at the same time. Such a sweet family. Rita and Jorge, Edwardo, and Jorge. We spent time with the pastor and missionaries who are there and went with them to do some home visits. There are several unique things about the south, one of which is that it is heavily populated with natives, called the Mapuche tribe (another 'unique' aspect is the rain, but come on, I think I know my rain)(but seriously, the south really reminded me of western Washington and even Alaska). On Friday, we spent the day east of Lautaro at the foot of an active volcano near the Argentina border at another church. 

This was pretty fantastic to say the least. Saturday was a day that probably defines our time in Lautaro. We bought a lamb. And when you're in the south with a lamb, it means you get to drink the blood before you eat it. Now, I'm with you, this immediately makes me go, 'Why would I ever want to do this???' but it was far more moving than I anticipated. The bible is filled with references to sheep, especially with Christ being called the lamb of God. Christ accepted his fate and died on the cross for us. The lamb, unlike any other animal doesn't make a sound when it's being killed, accepting it's fate to serve as nutrition for us. Killing the lamb and then drinking the blood just got a lot more meaningful. It's already changed communion for me. We literally ate the body and drank the blood. We killed the lamb in the morning, and that's when we drank the blood. They prepare it with a few things right on the spot into something called 'Nache'. 

Here's a video of the whole thing, low quality... sorry... but probably for the better.

It turns into a jelly like substance so you eat it with a spoon as opposed to just drinking it. You drink it with wine as well so that way it doesn't mess with your stomach. And all this before 9am! We went to the last session of our class while the rest of the sheep cooked, and then we had it for lunch. Quite a way to spend our last day in Lautaro. Not to mention I made a couple amazing jokes in Spanish (extremely proud moment for me). 

When we finished, we drove a couple hours north to Los Angeles where there is another church. I fell asleep on the couch watching the Olympics. (ps. I just saw that Murray beat Fed! What!!! I bet the fans what a moment for him and for Britain!) today we went to church, which was basically in the mountains. Afterwards we drove even farther into the mountains into pure native territory. Beautiful. 

It reminded me of Costa Rica, when we hiked through a beautiful valley to a river. Now I'm here, headed back north. So many beautiful places, people, and experiences. Most of which were painfully omitted. But I hope you get the idea! This coming week looks like one of the few 'normal' weeks I have here. How about that? 

Here's another short video of these happy times:

Now, here's what I want to leave you with. Before I left for Iloca, I was eating breakfast with my host mom pulled out her bible and started reading Philippians 4:13 (see first blog to appreciate what this means to me). Then she taught me a beautiful lesson, that went a little something like this: Jesus is like a glass of water. We might know an infinite amount of things about that water. It might now a bunch of science behind it, where it came from, but most importantly, we know that it is healthy and that it is good for us. But what good does all of this knowledge about the water do for us if it is in a glass with us and not in us? We need to be filled with it for it to do any good. Like our relationship with Christ, we might know some things about him, and he might even be with us, but we should be filled with Christ in order to truly receive his love and mercy. Peace my friends. 

180 degrees (And no, I don't mean temperature. Its still cold.)

I honestly don't even know where to begin. I may need to write this blog over several days because so much has happened since my previous post. For starters, what a turn around it has been. For good reason, I was super discouraged with my faith, and even being here. I was cold, sick, tired, and without God. I wanted to be home with family and actually get a chance to rest, which is something I've been without for quite some time. I was so serious about leaving that I talked with my supervisor about it and told them I was looking into flights home. She heard me out and acknowledged that it was a complex situation, but still asked that I email and advisers and mentors that I have to get their opinions. In doing so, I began having a lot of great conversations here. And the wheels started turning. I went to have coffee with a friend, and by chance (definitely a God thing), I got to skype with her dad, the director of IAM ministries, and he was full of some great insights. In short, I walked away with the one realization that has turned my trip around completely. I realized I've been focused on myself; that I'm getting school credit, that I'm sick, that I don't like the work, that I'm tired. I'm here in a very unique situation. Most people are here because they choose to. Because they have a connection. Because they are here with their church. Because it is a long term thing and this is their life. True, I did choose this, but with a completely different purpose- to learn about ministry and figure out if this is something I could see myself doing in the future. The moment things got hard, I had an answer to my purpose. 'I am exhausted, I could not do this for the rest of my life, so I might as well go home'. But through my conversations with people that day, it hit me, regardless of my reasons for choosing this place to spend my summer, God as another purpose for me and I am here to serve. I can't believe my heart was so hard to this idea. From the moment I turned my focus back outward, this has been a new experience. And by the grace of God, I was given an unmerited rest. Those conversations happened on a Wednesday, and I didn't work Thursday or Friday because of winter vacation here and one of my advisers being sick. I didn't work Sunday or Monday either because Sunday is my day off and Monday was a holiday. Perfect timing. From Thursday on (my new attitude on), here is what I've done:

Thursday, because I didn't have plans, I wanted to explore. Because my younger brother, Daniel, wasn't doing anything because of winter break, I dragged him along with me to the mall to get lunch. Among other things, we got a 'cajita feliz' (happy little box), otherwise known as a happy meal and ice cream. Needless to say we had a great time. Also, there were beagle puppies in the pet store and I just about took all of them home. That night, the Kallestads, the same friends that I mentioned above, asked me to house sit and take care of their dogs because no one was going to be home. So I started that night. I got to explore the grocery stores and spend some time myself. Perfect timing once again.

Friday, I got up for a meeting that I thought was going to happen at 830, but I missed the memo that it was cancelled. As much as I wanted to sleep, like the classic old me, I appreciated being up early in order to get caught up on things, like writing, and shopping etc. I was able to go home for lunch and spent the afternoon hanging with Danny again.

Saturday. After getting some rest and with my new attitude, I was ready to have a great and busy day. I started by helping with a soccer class at La Farfana at 10. I can't do a whole lot during this because I'm not super talented, but I help shag balls and support the kids. At the end, the kids played a scrimmage. The littlest kid, was goalie, and accidentally gave up a goal. The other kids were yelling at him and he ran off and sat by the fence. So I ran over to him to cheer him up. And, wouldn't you know it, as I'm sitting, I rip my pants completely open in the back. Believe it or not, this was perfect timing, because I'm not sure I would have had to the words to cheer that little boy up. All I told him was that I thought I might have just had some worse luck than him. He just laughed and laughed. I had the other kids come over and apologize and the game continued. I laughed too. Especially since I knew that I wasn't going to be able to get back to change my pants until after youth group that night... 12 hours later. But in the meantime, I got to spend the afternoon with those kids at La Farfana. It's great getting to know them more and more and really have some relationships with them. Also, we got a new, real, ping pong table, which was, and will be, a blast there. Last week, we built a new foosball table, but the ball kept getting stuck in the corners. So Saturday, I made it my mission to fix it. I used cardboard, and some pretty amazing trig/geometry/homemade compass action to keep the game rolling (pun absolutely intended). Anyways, I left to go to youth group, 'Identidad' (Identity) in Oriente. Part of my frustration with my work was how hard its been to develop relationships with these high schoolers, but, wouldn't you know it, showing up with a giant rip in your pants is a great conversation starter! I laughed again. I see it as a God thing. If Got can work through a ripped pair of jeans like he did today, imagine how he can work through me, no matter how faithful I feel! So youth group was good and I was tired from a 12 hour day, but I was told that we were going to someone's house for a barbecue. Little did I know that everyone was going to be there, or that we'd stay there eating, dancing, and socializing until 2. Long day. But once again, I loved the chance to hangout on a low key basis.

Sunday. So by now, I'm understanding the Spanish decently, and I absolutely can understand an entire sermon, but sermons here are long, and listening that long, trying to think through what's actually happening is exhausting even if I can do it. Most of the time I end up missing the point. So I decided to do my own Bible reading during this time, which was far more productive, at least for me. Hopefully I didn't offended anyone. I rested again in the afternoon, and then I went to play soccer with my brother. For forever. 3 n a half hours. Gotta do somethin to stay in shape! (Cept, I did weigh myself today, and, if my calculations are correct, I'm at a 'post thanksgiving' weight. *sigh*. Henry finally might be onto something with those thunder thighs... I guess it might explain the pants too... :-P). Anyways, I'm still sore from that as I write this on Thursday!

Monday, I slept, and tried to get caught up on some journaling. But I ended up getting distracted with something completely random. I was thinking about how All my travel days are on the 22nd during this trip, and then I started looking back, and it turns out that I do a lot of traveling on the 22nd. Then, I kept going, and while not all of them are travel, it was super fun and nostalgic to think back where I've been. Plus, it made me think that no matter how hard of a struggle I'm going through, if history holds, I'm going to moving on within a month. I guess I just like doing stuff. Anyways, here are my findings:


2012
Planned: August 22- Travel to Cordoba, Argentina to visitold friends
Planned: July 21-22- Travel to Iloca, Chile to rebuild tsunami stricken homes
June 21-22- Travel to Santiago, Chile for summer ministry internship
May 20- Traveling in Oregon to watch the baseball regional
April 21- Traveling from Walla Walla, Washington (Tennis Conference) to Spokane, to north Spokane for Small group retreat
March 18-24- Spring Break tennis trip in Orlando, Florida (March 22 Spring Training game)
February 20- Spokane, Washington- Last free weekend before tennis season
January 21- Travel to southern Valencia, Spain to see the rice patty fields

2011
December 22- Day alone re-exploring downtown Olympia, Washington
November 22- Lu-au in Kona, Hawaii
October 22- Dockside in Coeur-d’Alene, Idaho with Parents
September 22- Tennis ITA’s in Walla Walla, Washington
August 20 (twenty eleven)- Early RA campout in the loop at Whitworth- Spokane, WA
July 19- New wide-angle camera lens, Spokane, WA
June 26 (A little bit of a stretch with the date) Day spent mountain biking at Minihaha, Spokane, WA and hiking Mt. Schweitzer Sandpoint, Idaho
May 22- House BBQ to kick off the summer
April 23- Hiking at Bowl and Pitcher with Duvall, Spokane, WA
March 20- Spring Break tennis in Dallas, Texas
February 20- Skiing at 49 degrees north, Chewelah, WA
January 23- Fenton’s in Duvall, Spokane, WA

2010
December 20- Wisdom teeth surgery- Olympia, WA
November 23- Left Spokane, WA at 20 below 0, Arrive in Kona, Hawaii, 85 above
October 19- Fakeout Makeout Primetime, Duvall, Spokane, WA
September 20- Caught my first virgin pinecone, Spokane, WA and got a letter from Dyego! (Cordoba, Argentina)
August 20- Lynden, WA and first time in Canada
July 20- ‘Friends Day’, achieved 1000 facebook photos, Cordoba, Argentina
June 20- Mom visiting me in Spokane, WA before I go to Argentina
May 20- First day of Core 250 summer night class, Spokane, WA
April 21- Tennis Conference in Yakima, WA
March 19- Receive Acceptance letter to be an RA in Duvall and Traveling to Southern California for Tennis
February 21- Rock climbing at Minihaha and Rope swing jump into the Little Spokane River, Spokane, WA
January 19- Dominic’s MLK dinner, Ballard, Spokane, WA
December 23- Epic Powder day skiing at Crystal Mt, WA
November 21- Traveling to Hawaii
October 19- Carved an apple at pumpkin carving primetime, Ballard, Spokane, WA
September 21- Prison Tat primetime, Ballard, Spokane, WA
August 24- Last adventure with High School friends before college to Seattle, WA
July 20- San Jose, Costa Rica
June 21- Father’s Day golf at Indian Summer, Olympia, WA
May 22- Tennis Districts, Sprinker, WA

So that was fun, but let's move on with Monday. I went home and hung out with Danny again. Our mom was gone, and baby Sofie (11 months) was with Michelle, another missionary who often babysits. So we went over there to see them, and the most amazing thing happend. We got to watch her take her first steps! In credible! I was so blessed to be a part of that moment! Here's a short video I took of it :-)

Tuesday. Well, for starters, the previous night was my last night in the Kallestad house, so I wanted to clean. But naturally, with the excitement of Sofie, that got a little bit delayed. And then I skyped, for forever. Which was great, but meant I needed to get up extra early Tuesday to do the cleaning because I was going to spend the entire day with two kids from the church La Farfana and Danny in Viña del Mar and Valparaiso! 

Viña and Valpo are two cities on the coast, directly west of Santiago, about 2 hours by bus. I didn't have anything to do Tuesday due to the winter vacation, so I invited Bryan and Jesús (and Danny of course), to go on an adventure with me! 

We met at 8 and fought through the morning rush hour to get to the bus station and head off. It was beautiful, plus it was the warmest day I've experienced here so far. We walked along the entire waterfront, shopped a bit, and even went in the water! The water was cold, but it was refreshing.

We spent our time in Viña by ourselves, but then in the afternoon, we met up with my friend Arely Garza who is studying there in a summer program like I did in Argentina! Arely has been my Spanish buddy for the past couple of years at Whitworth so it was pretty cool to get to see her there!

She took us to Valpo where we ate some amazing greasy food and got to see the port and the beautiful old neighborhoods on the hill. I had no idea how different the two cities would be! Even though they basically are one unit, Viña is pretty touristy with the beach and newer buildings, while Valpo is the port and has beautiful pastel colored houses on the hill looking over the ocean. Both amazing in their own ways. Here's a quick video of the port.

After so much walking, I has no problem sleeping the entire bus ride back. We had a blast together and it was great to get to know Jesús and Bryan better, as well as see a good friend in a foreign place!

Check out the rest of my photos from the day on my facebook here!

Wednesday. Finally, back to my normal schedule. Bible study in the morning with a missionary named Jake, a meeting with one of my advisers Carlos Ampuero, and an afternoon back at La Farfana! Hard to believe I've finally come full circle! But it has been an amazing week of rest and refocus. Now, I'm looking forward to spending a solid week n a half down south with a new mission team from the States! 

I've read a lot of great scripture in the past week, but this is the one that probably sums it up:

'No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.'

- Hebrews 12:11

God's peace, especially if you read the whole thing, watched the videos, and endured all the typos! :-)

Its that time of the trip

End of week two. I'm right about where I should be during a trip like this. Through the honeymoon stage and really settling in. I’m tired, cold, sick, and overwhelmed.I’ve spent this week adjusting to my ‘normal’ schedule here in Chile now that my friends from Riverside, California are gone. I imagine I’ll take some time eventually to talk about my schedule, but I’ll wait until I really have a grasp on it (For now, you can take a peak at what it looks like. I also have a separate sheet for additional notes).

Now, I want to use this more like a diary entry to talk about what the heck I’m feeling. Its funny, I’ve got 3 journals going already, 1 for my Cert. for ministry credit (entries every other day), one for Spanish credit(entries every other day), and my journal from my quiet time reflection on my daily scripture reading, but even with all of this, I don’t have a true diary place.

What’s on my mind is my own faith. I’ve done so much. I see God working around me, and I even see God working through me directly. I’mdoing so many good things here, especially with the kids. But even so, I get done with the day, and my prayers seem so empty. Last night I went to a prayer group, and I just felt like I was missing God. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve had ‘desert-like’ experiences in my relationship with God, but those are usually attributed to lack of effort and very clear personal errors.But here, while I’m still convinced it must but something along the lines of my heart not being in the right place, but I’m spending everyday in the word, doing Bible studies with other people, serving people in the church, and the list goes on! All I am doing right now is trying to pursue Him. I feel like I need to attribute where I’m at right now to the horrible habits I’ve developed from RAing. I learned how to put on the show, for whatever it maybe. I know how to put on the smile, and do pretty much anything, even if its opposite of what I might be feeling on the inside. I’m nervous now that I might be doing just that with my faith. Just going through the motions, with my actions compartmentalized from emotions. This is so heartbreaking. I want to be on fire for Christ like I’ve felt before. But now I just feel overwhelmed with projects that I’m supposed to do in his name, but don’t feel him by my side. Not to mention I don’t even feel competent enough to do what they’re asking. I will say I am confident that God uses our weaknesses to accomplish his plan, but would like to feel his presence before jumping into these calls. ‘I can do all things through him who gives me strength’. True. I have a list of all the things I need to do; now I just need to find him so that way I can do them through him.

I guess all I can do is keep looking, one day at a time...From today's quite time; Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness." Thanks for reading and more importantly, thanks for your prayers.